my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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