Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
