If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
