so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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