operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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