mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
