Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
