she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
