Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
