I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
