Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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