I just threw up on my dentist
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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