ya dads aren't the best wingmen
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
