if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
