If i come over, it means nothing
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My pussy is not your playground.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
