god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
