well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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