I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
