I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
