1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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