She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
