Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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