Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize