you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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