By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
