rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How does one acquire holy water?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
