i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
