I wish I could punch you in the face.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
