Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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