If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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