I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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