I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
