Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
