I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When are your genitals available?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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