I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
