Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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