I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
