I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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