first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
