I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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