We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
