This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
