he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize