someone threw a dead crab at me
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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