I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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