nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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