I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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