You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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