No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
