I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
