it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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