Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
