I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You were trust falling into bushes
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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