so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
