ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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