Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
