I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
