Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
