as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am one with the molecules
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
