My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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