We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
