he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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