I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
