I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
