alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
