Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
